The Worst Year...Finally Over

2013.

Wow. What a hell of a year.

It's interesting to see where my life has gone over the past several years. Yesterday I was scanning through some of my posts back from two and a half, maybe three years ago. How young and innocent I was. I wasn't exactly all butterflies and rainbows, but I definitely had that much softer edge than I do now. Not to say that I'm all B.A. or anything now (there are still a few words I don't just throw out there so easily), but I'm definitely a bit more hardened than I was two and half years ago.

Let's take a look at the past year for me. A year ago I was a very depressed missionary. On January 2, 2013 I was "emergency" transferred from Denver to Aurora to be closer to a therapist and doctor. I was barely functional. I was inexplicably unhappy and I was really not liking my life. The first few months of the year were a roller coaster ride. I was at my lowest of lows in January. I started taking antidepressants on February 1st and the next week was possibly even lower than my lowest of lows of January. (Seriously, antidepressants are a "b." Avoid if at all possible.) After a few weeks I started to do a lot better. I was actually doing really well for a few weeks there at the end of February, the beginning of March. Things were looking up. And then I crashed again. And I had to spend the end of March making probably the hardest decision of my life: going home from my mission 3 transfers early.

So, on April 10th I arrived home in Atlanta, Georgia. I spent 6 weeks at home, feeling well adjusted, not so much depressed as bored. I coordinated with Aaron and McKensey, two of my best friends at the time, to be in Provo at the end of May. McKensey and I moved back into Roman Gardens (the first mistake of 2013 that we made together) to be near Marjorie. For the first week, things were great. Aaron and I were super excited to be together again after writing to each other for 2 years. It was exciting and fun and I was really optimistic about the next year, despite being unemployed. Well, it took less than two weeks for my world to crumble.

Aaron, the guy who was my best friend and the love of my life (I thought) destroyed my heart. He told me he wasn't ready to date me seriously, or really anybody at the time. He was nowhere near being ready to get married anytime soon at all. (I swear this this what he said to me.) For a couple weeks I held on, probably too tightly. I was going to make him see that he didn't want to date anybody except for me. And then finally I realized I couldn't be the one chasing him. I don't want a man who I had to do all the work to get. I didn't want to be the girl who won only because she wouldn't leave him alone. I want a man who's going to be desperately chasing after me, doing all he can to get me to want to be with him (of course in a non-creepy way). So I made the decision one night that I was never going to be the one who contacted him again. If he wanted to see me or talk to me, he was going to do something about it. And that night was the last time we ever did anything together.

I had a really low point there in the middle of the summer. I was absolutely heart broken; I was poor; I was unemployed; I was relatively friendless (seriously I can count on one hand the people I would consider my friends from the summer); it was bloody hot in my apartment with it being 100ºF+ outside and a broken a/c; I was a recently returned missionary; and I was still clinically depressed. Seriously, there was one day where I had stayed up till like 5 am or something doing who knows what, and then I refused to get out of bed until 7 pm that night because I had absolutely no reason to wake up or get up. I was so messed up.

Then at the beginning of July I got a job interview for a 6th grade teaching position up in West Jordan. The principal basically hired me on the spot and I was so excited. My sucky life was going to be over! Ha. I will admit it got a lot better. I was able to refocus my life on my new job. McKensey and I got an apartment in Draper and we were so excited to get out of Provo and try our luck in Draper.

I can sum up the past six months very concisely: the experience has fallen way short of expectations. Doesn't matter which experience I'm talking about. They've all fallen short. Our ward sucks. We have less friends than we did in Provo over the summer. I haven't been on a date since August. My job is more demanding and harder than I could ever imagine. Even though I got over Aaron back in July, I'm still not over "it" and it feels like my heart will never be quite the same again. (Oh, I didn't mention that in July he started dating some girl, they were engaged two month later, and just got married. Yeah, "not ready" my...butt.)

I'm sure I could find a lot of other things to complain about the past year. But, that's not the kind of person that I want to be. I've found that it is the person I have been over the last year, and I want that to change this upcoming year. Yeah, 2013 has been horrible. But that doesn't mean that I have to remember it as such a negative year. I should remember the positive things that did happen (even if they were few and far between) and even better, I should think about the positive things that came from the horrible ones.

1. I grew closer to the Lord than ever before because of my depression. And then again during my heartache.
2. I was able to come home from my mission with positive feelings about the time I had spent in the field. I wasn't bitter or upset. I was grateful for the time I had been a missionary and for everything that my experience had done for me and for all of the great things I was able to do to help the Lord expand His work in Colorado.
3. I got to spend two and a half transfers with an amazing companion who was one of the best friends I could have had at the time. Thanks Pulsi:)
4. I got to fall in love with Aurora, Colorado and the people there.
5. I was able to work off most, if not all, of my mission weight in the six weeks I was home.
6. I got to be roommates again with one of my best friends ever, McKensey, and we got to go through the awful adjustment phase of being a recent RM. And we're still going through it to a degree.
7. I didn't waste more time than I did with the guy who wasn't really the person that I wanted, needed, or deserved.
8. I am a TEACHER! (I still think that's super cool sometimes.) My kids give me a run for my money, but I really do love them with all my heart.
9. In August my best friend Marjo got married to the man of her dreams and I got to be there for it! We had a mini reunion with some of my besties in Portland and it was probably the funnest weekend of the entire year.
10. In September I kicked the antidepressants to the curb! I don't need no pill anymore to tell me I can be happy.
11. I bought a car! And it was love at first sight.
12. I was able to go back and visit Grand Junction for a weekend in October and I had the best time.
13. I made it through the first half of my first year of teaching without dying, quitting, getting fired, or killing any of my students.

I could definitely say more, but this is a long enough entry as it is. And I need to go start getting ready to party tonight. The moral of this story is that 2013 wasn't really all bad. But heck, I'm definitely looking forward to a much better 2014. So, here's to one last night of the worst year of my life, and to not having anymore like it!