Another Year Gone

A new year, a renewed determination to move on. January.

My low time of the year. Everything hurt. February.

I fell in love with 6th grade for the first time. And the Lord humbled me. March.

I said good bye. To more than one thing. April.

Spring lifted my spirits and I started life with a new attitude. May.

I spent many summer nights under the stars with some of my best friends. June.

We continued to adventure and I turned 21. July.

I struggled greatly with change. August.

I dove into student teaching, excited and enthusiastic. September.

I wanted to give up on everything. October.

I knew time was short, so I tried my best to live it up. November.

I graduated from college. I turned in my mission papers. I moved home. December.

It's been a good year. Lots of good times. Plenty of hard times. But all for the best.

I think that it's been in this year that I've really, truly grown up. I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and enjoy life for the things that I have, not what I lack.

I haven't quite reached that happily ever after that I'm hoping for, but it's out there, I know it.

Things have happened and come together this year in a way that has made life make a little more sense. I can see more of the big picture. I don't just see the little bubble that I'm in at this exact moment. I'm not focused on my immediate desires. I know that I have to be patient and the things that I really want will happen. All in due time.

So here's to 2011.

The best year of my life so far.

And here's to every succeeding year being the best year of my life.

And so it goes...

You know, life sucks sometimes.

Sometimes you have to do things you don't really wanna do.

Sometimes you have to be away from people you love and care about.

Sometimes you would give anything to get to see that one person for just a minute so you could throw your arms around his neck and actually be able to whisper in his ear how much you love him.

But almost all of the time...it doesn't matter. Life is what it is, and you have to deal with what you've got at the moment.

You're going to have to suck it up and put on your brave face and go on a mission.

You're going to have to move away from the place that's become home and say goodbye to some of your best friends.

You're going to have to be patient and let him finish serving his mission and just continue to send your love through letters without the hugs.

And you know what? It'll be okay. It might suck right now, but it will be okay.

Good things come to those who wait, right?

I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane

Well, I said goodbye to Provo today. For how long? No clue.

This has been a rough week. My mother flew in from Atlanta to help me pack and move all my stuff--and thank goodness she did. I never could have done that by myself. We spent all of Monday and Tuesday just packing and packing. Wednesday we made a trip up to Cache Valley to drop my stuff off at my grandparent's house, where it will stay for the next approximately two years. It was really sad packing a lot of that away. I only have 8 pairs of shoes in my possession now. That was really hard, packing away all of my heels and everything else. Lots of my favorite clothes were put into storage too. I know this sounds a little ridiculous, but you try saying goodbye to your favorite clothes for two years and see how it feels...harder than you think.

Then there was the fact that my mission papers are in. I had my last interview Tuesday night, so my papers should have been submitted sometime midweek. I could get my call as soon as the week between Christmas and New Years. As I walked home from my interview I almost had a panic attack. Between packing and turning in my papers, I was feeling pretty unsettled. What a huge step in my life. I've just graduated from college, moved back home with my parents, and I'm about to leave for 18 months to do one of the hardest things ever in a place that is currently undisclosed to me. It all seems so surreal.

Surprisingly I've been ok today. No tears. And the only time that I did really get choked up was at the airport when Jeff and I were standing in the security line and a big group of missionaries were coming out of the terminal to applause and cheering from their family and friends. Shoot, just thinking about it again is bringing tears to my eyes. I guess I'm not as stoic as I thought I could be.

Ha I'm not that much of a rock. I cry. I just hide it when I do. Although, I don't cry as much now as I used to. Not even close! My senior year of high school I cried several times a week. In 2011, I could tell you exactly how many times I've had a really good cry (meaning more than just a few trickling tears), and I can count it on one hand. I don't know how I got to be so non-emotional. Well, maybe that's not the right term. I don't know why I don't cry very much anymore. Maybe because I have realized I have so many more things to smile about than cry about.

So, I'm on my way home. We have a three hour layover in Denver (curse expensive direct flights) and I guess now I have time to really sit and think about the fact that Provo isn't home anymore. And you know what? It sucks.

But...life goes on. I couldn't have stayed in college forever. The friends that I met will forever stay in my memories, and many of them in my heart. Yes, very sentimental sounding, but it's true. They have changed my life and I know that today wasn't the last day that I will ever see them.

Even though I don't know when I'll be back again, please smile for me. It's just the end of one chapter and on to another.

"I hope you had the time of your life"

I am unofficially a college graduate. It is a more amazing feeling than I could have ever imagined, being done. You know that feeling you get when you finish a semester? You can breathe deeper, smile easier, and just knowing the fact that there is nothing left to be done makes you happier than you were before. Multiply that feeling by a hundred. That's how I feel right now. It is awesome.

I walked out of my last interview yesterday afternoon having turned in my portfolio for my minor and I just wanted to break out into song and dance and tell the whole world that I was done. I would never have to walk onto that campus again as a student. That would have been strange if I had done that though, so I settled with calling my mom and just telling her my exciting news.

So here I am, at the close of a big chapter of life. I'm done with college. It only took me three and half years, but what an amazing three and a half years it was. It's amazing to think about all that has happened in that time. All the learning and growing I've done. All of the fantastic people that I've met. I wish that I could have another three and half years like that. I'm not ready to be done.

It's funny thinking about how I've changed. Since those days as a young, impressionable freshman, just starting life as an "adult." Ha! Even sophomore year was pretty unrealistic, the way that I thought about life. For example, I was flipping through my journal and this caught my eye:

March 2, 2010

"I had the thought today that I'm so glad that I'm majoring in something practical that I can find a job with since it's not likely at this point that I'll be married by the time I graduate. Who knows what'll happen next year though."

It's really quite funny how marriage obsessed I was back then. Not that now I'm any less interested in marriage. I mean, I'm just like any Mormon girl...deep down the greatest desire of my heart is just to get married. But the difference between me now and me two years ago when I wrote that? It's not my first priority in everything. I am still so glad that I majored in something practical that I can find a job with, not because I'm not married, but because isn't that why we get a higher education? So we can get a job? Really I'm glad with my major because it is something practical that I love. I found something that I was passionate about and I can have the satisfaction in knowing that I can love my job for the rest of my life.

I really think it's been in the last year and a half that I've really matured and grown up. I've really come to discover some of life's secrets and I think I've grown into a person that I actually really like. I don't have any huge regrets or wishes of things I could change. I think the people I've known in that period of time have really helped me a lot too. I've had to work through different problems with different relationships, and they've helped me to understand things better. I've grown to be best friends with several people, closer than I think I've ever really been with anyone before. It's surprising how much you can learn about yourself and about life just by talking to certain people.

So, Friday night as we were driving to Salt Lake, Green Day's timeless song "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" came on the radio. I never really understood the real depth and meaning of those lyrics before. Until that moment. As my roommates and I sang along it really hit me. Life is so unpredictable, but what you end up with in the end is right. So after all of these nonsensical ramblings that I'm not even sure make sense I want you to know that as I've lived my life here in Provo the past three and a half years...

I've had the time of my life.