Jumpstart

So, in one of my many stints searching for anything that could be used for a lesson plan, I found this website that generates random writing prompts. As I went through looking at them, I found that some of them I wanted to answer. I thought that maybe I could use this as a way to jumpstart my writing again. We'll see how long it keeps me entertained.

10 things I would do if I won the lottery

1. Buy a brand new car.
2. Buy myself a new wardrobe.
3. Travel.
4. Go to New York and get my haircut at a curly hair studio.
5. Get a mani/pedi every week.
6. Get laser hair removal.
7. Hire a nutritionist to be my own personal chef.
8. Go on a music shopping spree.
9. Help my family with anything they need/want.
10. Find a fantastic charity that I could support and be a part of.

Good News Minute

Good news:

• I survived the first 9 weeks of school.
• I now have a 3 week break.
• Despite the fact that my kiddos are complete snots sometimes, I love them dearly.
• I didn't have a migraine this week!
• I only had 1 Dr. Pepper this week, and it's right now in celebration of ending the week (and it's "free pop Friday" so why would I pass that up?)

Happy, happy, happy

Guess what?

I'm done being negative and slightly dramatic on here. I just reread the past few posts and realized how utterly pathetic I seemed. I didn't mean to sound that way when I posted them. Hopefully I can redeem myself in the next little while.

I have missed writing. I think that with my depression that was one of the things that I lost interest in. I'm glad to say though that it's back. Well, not the journal writing part. Ugh, I just realized that it's been like a year since I was good at doing that. I'm gonna work on that, but that will come as I have more time in my life. For now, I'm just gonna go with what I've got though, and that's the desire to blog again.

I've been thinking a lot about my life right now and where I'm at and how looking at it, it's really not that great. I get up at 6:30 am, get to school around 7:30, teach a class full of snotty 11- and 12-year-olds for 7 hours, finally leave school at 6 pm to get home and do more school work. If I do anything fun it's with McK and it usually consists of eating ice cream while watching our guilty pleasure t.v. show. How pathetic does that sound? Yeah, pretty pathetic. I really don't have any friends right now besides McKensey.

But guess what?

I'm happy.

And I can't really explain why. Because I know that looking at my life it kind of sucks. But for some inexplicable reason, I'm ok with it, and I'm actually pretty happy. I think it's because I've made the conscious decision to be happy, no matter what. I'm back to feeling like myself, unlike how I felt as Sister Griffiths last winter. Sister Griffiths was a stranger to herself and was incapable of making that decision to be happy the same way that I can right now. For whatever reason her brain was jacked up, but that time is over. I want to be happy, I can be happy, and I am happy.

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be." -Abraham Lincoln

All I want is someone who will ask me if I'm ok.

And someone who will tell me that it will be ok.

I am ok and I know everything will be ok, but I just want someone who will ask and reassure me. Is that too much to ask for?

Sometimes it's ok to cry

Sometimes things make you sad.
Sometimes things make you really sad.
Sometimes things still make you sad, no matter how ok you think you are.

And you know what? It's ok to cry.

The entire time I was in college, the number of times I cried can be counted on my two hands.
The first six months of my mission I cried once.

I had someone once tell me "Don't cry, just pray." I really took that to heart. I think I used it to justify my own lack of tears. "I don't have to cry. I shouldn't need to cry. I have God. He makes everything ok, so I don't have to cry."

In the past year, I've cried a hundred times. At least. I have no idea how to quantify the number of times that I've cried. But it has been the most of my life.

And you know what I realized this summer? It's ok to cry. In fact, sometimes you should cry.

Yeah, I know that I have the Savior and His Atonement to make things better, but that doesn't mean I can't cry.
That doesn't mean I'm weak if I cry.
That doesn't mean I'm foolish.
That doesn't mean that I'm vulnerable.
That doesn't mean that I can't be happy.
That doesn't mean that I'm inferior because I can't find other ways to express my emotions.
Damn it, sometimes I just need to cry.

Even if I'm pretending that I'm completely 100% alright. And sometimes I truly am. But sometimes it still hurts like hell. And the only thing I know to do to make it somewhat bearable (since I don't drink-ha) is cry. Sometimes a single tear. Sometimes a good, heart rending sob attack that you can only follow up with a hot mug of peppermint tea.

But you know what? I'm ok with crying.