...that any Mormon girl my age should be married.
(I hope Jane Austen doesn't mind the liberties I took with that quote.)
Yes, I'm in one of those phases where I am deeply pondering marriage. You know, the stuff like where I thought my life would be by now, what has happened to bring me to where I am right now, the prospects I've had for marriage, the jealousy that I do have towards my married friends and acquaintances, the relief that I have that I am able to be selfishly single right now, etc. etc.
I try to think of the reasons why I'm not married: because I haven't met the right guy yet; because the Lord wants me to learn and experience more by myself; because I'm too busy pursuing my career to bother with marriage and family (ha--that's true, but not by choice); because for one reason or another I'm not ready; because I'm not desirable; because I'm damaged; because I'm not meant to get married; and so on and so forth. Some reasons are good ones, some not so much. Do I believe all of these reasons? No. Which ones do I really believe? I don't know. I still don't know any reasons why I've ever been rejected.
I could get a lot deeper and more personal right now, but I won't. Partly because of propriety, partly because I don't know how my thoughts and feelings would sound as written words.
However, I will say that I hate the juxtaposition of marriageable age between Mormon culture and most of the rest of the world. Part of me is starting to freak out because I'm turning 24 this year and I'm not married. But then another part of me is thinking that it's crazy that I should be freaking out because I am still so young and have no need to be in a hurry to get married. I wish that LDS culture was a little less obsessive about marriage. Yes, I definitely understand the importance of marriage and why it's such a worthy goal to achieve, but seriously, I hate that I've been brainwashed to progress situations in my head much faster than is realistic. Nobody should ever meet a cute boy and have one conversation and then start wondering if you're gonna get married. It's ridiculously annoying, but it's an automatic response. One that I fight very hard.
Another pet peeve. I have seen this several times. Someone gets engaged or married and people are posting their congrats on facebook walls, and a phrase pops up that really irks me: "Married life is so fun! You're going to love it!" Oh really? Well, I'm glad they know that now. I'm glad you've reinforced their decision to get married so now they know how great it's going to be. And yes, I'm avoiding marriage because I don't want a fun life that I'll love. I don't know why I get so worked up about that. It just annoys me. Another one of those things to add to my list of ignorant mormonisms. Because there are some of us who have obviously done something wrong to keep us from being eligible at this time for that blissful life of being married.
Something I will say though, is that it is kind of nice that everyone is starting to reach that state of panic about my relationship status. "Oh no! Stephanie's not married and she's not dating anyone, what can we do to help her?" And that means people are starting to at least consciously be on the look out of worthy young men to set me up with. I'm ok with that, because do you think I have had any time or energy to pursue dating as a first year teacher? Ain't nobody got time for that.
Nothing has quite happened yet, but there are prospects of set ups that I'm actually pretty excited about. I've definitely reached that point where I am feeling great about my life and all of my past woes are just that, in the past. I'm really ready to make the most of 2014.
On an unrelated note, I survived round two of parent/teacher conferences. So much better prepared this time. And still just as validating for me as last time. Feels great to have that over with, and I don't have to worry any more about principal evaluations either. Now it's just standardized testing to deal with. Which is probably one of the most stressful things ever. My kids are nowhere near as prepared for these tests as they should be, and it's not from a lack of me trying. Enough teacher complaints.
I'm off to watch another romantic movie while trying to do some lesson planning for this next week. Hopefully I'll have some great stories in the near future about my dating exploits, assuming all the people who have told me they're going to set me up with someone follow through. If I'm lucky, one of them will be a single man in possession of a good fortune, who is in fact in want of a wife.
I try really hard not be an annoying married woman. But i know that i have failed on multiple occasions. Feel free to punch me in the boob if i ever irk you in any way.
ReplyDeleteYou're smart to share. It's always good for people to be reminded to be sensitive. I'm in the stage of "You've been married how long and don't have kids?" I had a really awkward conversation with someone where they said, "So, have you been trying to have kids?" I'm usually pretty open about all this, but not on someone else's terms. I said, "Yes." And she said, "Oh, well are you going to a doctor or anything?" I'm just like... um... please ask me more about personal details of my life new acquaintance. People just... can be strange. :) What needs to happen will happen and no matter what God will give you what you need to do it. Haha, and honestly, marriage isn't all that fun. In my opinion, it's stupidly hard. But, I know that about having kids and still want kids. I roll my eyes at people who say marriage is fun and then curse them to have a seemingly unsolvable argument in the near future. I'm convinced they're all liars anyway. Anyway, you're smart. Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. You'll figure it all out. :)
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