Plan B?

A few years ago there was this guy I liked. We won't go in to any detail because that's not necessary. All you need to know is that it didn't work out because his family moved at the beginning of our senior year.

Well, the way I saw it as a super naive, ridiculous 17-year-old, this was the boy I wanted to marry. I planned it all out. We'd stay in touch. We'd both go to BYU for a semester and then he'd go on his mission. I'd stay in school for those two years and he'd come back just in time for my senior year. We'd date, decide we were in fact supposed to get married, etc. etc.

Yes, don't worry, I just threw up too.

I know I mention it a lot, but I seriously can't believe how much I've grown up in the past few years. That was a little more than three years ago. I think back to what I was like last summer and I don't believe that I'm the same person. Anyways, I'm embarrassed to admit that's truly what I planned on happening.

In case you were wondering, I haven't seen that boy since the day that he moved (almost 4 years ago). I have not spoken to him in almost 2 years. I guess I wrote him once on his mission, but he's home now and not a word. And you know what? It's because I don't care. I know that I don't want to marry him and it's ridiculous to think that I ever would have thought that's what was going to happen.

Once I heard someone say, "If you want to make God laugh, plan your life."

Well, I hope He's laughing.

Ever since the day I realized how stupid I was in planning out my future with that boy who I later realized was hardly what I would now call a friend, I've turned away from making plans. Perhaps that's why I have a hard time planning anything as far ahead as what I'm going to take for lunch or what I'm going to wear tomorrow. I just recognize how stupid it is to make plans that are that huge, especially without knowing the bigger picture. How was I supposed to know what I would be like four years down the road? You can't know things like that.

So I've never made plans like that again.

At least, that's what I thought.

The Lord knew better and He let me know that today.

I declared that I was an elementary education major when I applied for BYU in the Fall of 2007. Here I am, three years of college almost done, and that's where I still am. I honestly can't remember when I found out about the internship opportunity that there is here. It might have been at orientation before my freshman year. But whenever it was, I knew immediately it's what I wanted to do. You do it instead of traditional student teaching. You have a yearlong teaching contract with a school district. You have your very own classroom and students. You get half salary and benefits. It looks better on a resume. The reasons are endless why it would be a great thing to do.

So for the past two and a half years that was my plan. I was on track to finish all my classes to be able to do this. I applied at the beginning of the semester. Today was the last day of my second practicum where I worked with a 6th grade class (an experience I will discuss on a later date) and it went so well and I had such a great time. My teachers who observed me told me that I was doing great, that I was a natural teacher, blah blah blah. Things that I didn't always fully agree with, but I guess they probably know what they're talking about right? I've been talking about how next year I'm going to be doing an internship and how excited I am to have my own classroom. Today was the interview for said internship.

Long story short, I didn't get it.

The one area in my life right now that doesn't suck. The one thing that I feel like I can have some control over. The one thing right now that I wanted so badly and was actually in my reach.

Denied.

Why? I don't know.

So what do you do when something you've been planning on for two and half years slips between your fingers for an unknown reason?

Well, I guess I'm just going to try and hold my head high and keep going. I'm going to try to hold back the tears and trust that the Lord has some reason that is unknown to me right now why this isn't what he wanted for me right now.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6